In case of emergency break (empty) glass

Somehow, I made it. I am lucky son of a bitch. I know it. I prey that my luck does not run out in this lifetime. At times, it feels that’s all I have. A lucky star. Perseverance? Yes. Patience. Plenty. Grit? Check. Still, you can be capable and demonstrate all of that yet still fail the dice roll.

I was well past the deadline of giving notice to my flat. Which in practice would mean being liable for money I wouldn’t have and had to borrow while also getting my ass kicked back down the ladder. Imagine playing high stakes poker. It’s the last round. You have lost all of your money and this is the final hand. You decide to bet the house on a last ditch attempt to win everything back. You win the hand.

I started a new role in June, on a 6 months probation. I started building myself back up again. Saving money to prepare for the next emergency.

It’s been almost 6 months and for the past couple of weeks I finally had a feeling of peace and stability. I would even go as far as to say I had been the happiest and most relaxed I had ever been since a brief period in my twenties.

Then calamity came knocking at my door.

On Thursday night at 23:00, I heard a loud, persistent, urgent knock on the front door. Bang! bang! bang! I opened the door to see a man from the fire brigade instructing me to leave the property. The building on which I am housed was at a risk of a collapse. I had 5 minutes to go. No time to pack a bag. Things were happening so fast before I knew it I was one of about 70 people in a Sports Leisure Centre with a blanket and a chair to sit on. I spent the night barely getting any sleep.

With very little explanation and a lack of timely, prompt and regular updates, my mind started filling in the blanks for me. All I could think of was the worst. I couldn’t believe that having just spent the last year building my life back up, it could all just crumble again in an instant.

I thought of how I could lose all my possessions should the building collapse to the ground. How I would have to use months of savings to find temporary accommodation, buy clothes and basic household items. How this was putting at jeopardy my job and how I could lose it. How I would have to build myself back up yet again.

I started feeling very vulnerable, tired and powerless. All I wanted in that moment was to have a shower, take a nap and to feel safe in the presence of a friend, family or a loved one.

I looked at the glass screen of my phone, opened up the contacts app and starting scrolling through my contacts.

• This person seems upset with me and don’t know why.
• This person hasn’t responded the last few times I have reached out to.
• This person is just an acquaintance.
• This person is an ex.
• This person and I have lost touch.
• This person is going through some hard time right now.

It slowly dawned on me that there is no-one I feel close enough to, don’t fear rejection, one who lives in close proximity, one I can reach out to, one I can rely on. I am by myself. Which, to be fair, has felt true for most of my life. I was staring at an empty glass. I felt like crying.

After 24 hours I finally made it back home. It’s corny but it’s true. Home sweet home. I channelled my mom’s attitude who knows how to have fun, lift others and be full of life even when she is hurting. I had a hot shower, trimmed my hair, shaved my beard, put on a shirt, my perfume and headed out to clear my head. I wanted to be in the presence of others, feel connected and alive.

I wanted to feel human again.