Despair

For the past 3 weeks, there is a growing feeling of despair. I feel powerless, I feel like it’s meaningless to fight for the life I want to have, I feel like there is little support to help me push through and the obstacles just keep coming.

For the past 3 weeks, I’ve been in limbo.

I decided to shut down Twitter after 10 years. The last few months I have been gradually tweeting less and never kept more than 30 days of tweets on my timeline.

It was the last remaining social media presence¹. It’s been over a year since I deleted Facebook and Instagram.

Social media has become more and more hideous to the point that it makes me feel like shit. I don’t need this. There is a plethora of reporting done by major publishers and research if you need to understand more.

Personally speaking, this idea of social status (followers, likes and shit) along with the lack of social cues only leads to more entitlement and less courtesy. Let me put it differently.

On social media, you don’t know anyone long or good enough to be shitty. So take your vile behaviour and go take a breather before you start attacking.

I’ve had it. I prefer the safety and comfort of my website. The discussions that can be done across people’s blogs and the personal, private, thoughtful relationship I can have over email one-on-one.

It doesn’t help that as society we are absolutely fucking clueless on how to deal with people that are mentally struggling and I’ve been struggling in the past 3 weeks, again.

A few days back, I can’t remember where now, I think it was an interview of Tarantino, he said something along these lines.

We don’t push people when they have twisted their ankle. We don’t go up to them telling to move on. Why do we do that with people that are struggling mentally? Why do we push them?

I am really naive as a person. I take everything that people tell me at face value. I believe everything I see. I don’t have a hidden agenda and I tend to believe that people do not need to have one either. Why would you if you can just be honest? Fear.

Right now, I am at a loss. I don’t know how to move forward in my life. It’s coming up to 2 years since I left London, I have been disappointed so much by the software industry and I have heavy doubts there is a business out there where I can professionally and personally grow, find purpose, work among great people and be me all at the same time.-