I miss London

I miss London. I miss walking around. I miss the night sky. I miss walking around Fitzrovia, past that little chapel hidden away in a residential block where apartments have full glass windows. I miss walking up Primrose Hill, turning around and looking at the skyline. I miss Covent Garden. I miss SOHO. I miss the lions at Trafalgar Square. I miss London so much.

I feel like the clock has turned back 10 years. All the sacrifices made, all the time and effort I put to change my life around. Everything that lead me to London, has just vanished.

I am in Athens but I don’t really want to be here. You would think that after 10 years of being away, coming back would feel like coming home but it doesnt. The UK felt like home. You would think friends would cherish your return, be close, want to spend time with you, be there. They are not. They are married, have grown older, are depressed, working overtime. You would think a family home would be there for you. To celebrate the holidays, to spend the weekend. There is none.

I am tired.

It’s hard to go back. The UK has left Europe. There is so much uncertainty and I am no longer 29. The last 2 years have been nothing but struggle. I want to take back control yet I end up waiting. Waiting yet again for someone’s approval, someone to tell me my worth, what I deserve.

I am tired.

It feels like I am back to where I was 10 years ago. In debt, lost, waiting. Only now I am 39 going 40.

I am tired.

I want to reinvent myself. I miss you London. You belong in the past. I still miss you.